I would like to start by mentioning that I am vehemently against Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) and everything they stand for: sales practices based on a pyramid scheme for sub-standard products that are overpriced and typically not FDA-approved. And everything I write here is genuine and from the heart with complete honesty.

I digress. A friend of mine in a Facebook group I frequent told me about a retreat for survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) that she attended. She boasted about how amazing it was, how healing it was, and how much she learned. When she shared the link, I did some hardcore research on the foundation, and then scoffed at the idea that it was the child of an MLM. But based on her word, I checked out the website and what they had to offer for CSA survivors. I watched hours of videos from retreat participants, I googled the foundation, I learned everything I could…which wasn’t much. One article in particular kept coming up; it was from a woman’s blog who wanted to expose The Younique Foundation and interviewed someone who attempted to apply for the retreat. During her intake process, she explains that she was called by a staff member and asked personal questions that made her feel uncomfortable and the staff was cold in their questioning. She backed out of the process and never attended the retreat. The interview and article was based on someone who did not attend the retreat. Interviewee, if your intentions are genuine and you’re reading this, I would 100% recommend going and giving a follow-up.

Viewers like me may have seen that article since it shows up as the second link when searching “The Younique Foundation” and may have used the information to not sign up for the retreat. Alas, I went forward with the process based on the recommendation of my friend and here is my experience with complete candor (spoiler alert: it was amazing). I want to write this post so that others who research the foundation and retreat will read an honest review of my experience and hopefully be strong enough to attend themselves for healing.

In June 2018, I went to the website https://www.youniquefoundation.org, clicked on the “Haven Retreat” tab, and applied. There was an online application that included a questionnaire. If my memory serves correctly, it asked questions like basic demographics, if you were the victim of CSA, if you were currently in therapy, and what issues you’re experiencing in day-to-day life. I did not receive a phone call after my application was sent, as the article I read suggested I wouldn’t receive. I suppose it’s an updated system now that is completely digital. Upon completion, there was a message that said I would be contacted within a few business days with available retreat dates to choose from.

A month later, I had not received an email or contact from them, so I emailed the intake coordinator from the application auto-reply I received and I asked about available dates and scheduling. She said they were all booked up for the year and are beginning to book for 2019 but I could be placed on a list for spots that open sooner from cancellations or change of plans. I chose to be placed on that list and within minutes I received a response that there was an open date in September. 5 days later, after having talked it over with my therapist, I confirmed that I would like to go those days. I paid for and booked a plane ticket and it was set. After the email confirming a date, I received link to a .pdf Welcome Packet that had expectations for the retreat, rules, activity descriptions, a schedule of activities, photos of the retreat location, and biographies of each staff member we would encounter. Each of the therapists are licensed in Utah.

I got a call a few days before my retreat date and was informed that due to wild fires in the area, the retreat for that week was cancelled but they had some available dates to possibly attend. I was able to change my ticket and now go in November.

I stressed for this day for weeks prior, as I have never met another CSA survivor in my life, or at least one willing to talk about it…. much less tackle it head on. A few panic attacks later, I resolved to not go and to cancel the entire thing. I am so happy I didn’t cancel, despite my reservations.

A week prior to arriving to Salt Lake City airport, I received clear instructions on where to meet; baggage claim and we’d be greeted by a Foundation member. It was freaking awkward. A group of women standing in a designated area who I didn’t know, but somehow I knew they were “my people” and just slid in the group not saying a word, but knew they probably had equal anxiety. We were met by a staff-member (who is a licensed therapist), put into groups for travel via large SUVs, and as we find out later they would be our group members for the week driven by our therapist.

An hour drive in awkward silence from SLC to the retreat location, but we tried to make the best of it. One woman says, “I know we’re being quiet now, but I have a feeling that when we are on our way back that we won’t shut up.” So true haha.

If you’re still reading now, here’s the nitty-gritty without logistics and why you should go.

The Haven is placed in a canyon an hour outside of SLC with zero cell service or WiFi, and it the disconnect was wonderful. There is a landline if you want to use it to call your family. We were greeted by our therapist and case manager, shown to our rooms, and then a lunch of sandwiches and cookies made by 3 amazing chefs.

Every single meal was prepared by these wonderful chefs and customized to each of the 21 individual dietary needs, and each morning the menu for the day was updated via a dry-erase board as we came down the beautiful stairs. The retreat participants had free-reign of the front kitchen (snacks, drinks, etc.). My room had 3 bunks in it, the top bunk was not occupied for anyone and each bed was memory foam with plugins and USB ports. In my huge room was a central area with 4 cute chairs, a coffee table, and 3 bunks where 2 overlooked the mountains of the peaceful canyon. This place was a mansion fit for queens; probably 20 bedrooms, various other rooms like for yoga, presentations, therapy, etc. Each room had a private bathroom as well. We were split into 3 groups of 7, A, B & C. Each group had schedules and each had an area where we met for classes.

The first day we were met with our therapist and chose goals for the week. I cannot emphasize enough how empathetic and willing they were to work with us. Then, pick classes we wanted to attend based on a sheet of choices. We were all encouraged to rest if we wanted, attend classes of our choice, and it was very fluid. “Do as you want, respectfully.” Some of the classes to choose from were: Art Journaling, Assertive Communication, Overcoming Shame, Healthy Body Image, Muay Thai, Mindfulness, Nutrition and Moods, Overcoming Addiction, Restorative Sleep, and Understanding Forgiveness. Many people who are reading may not be a victim of CSA, but these are all very relevant topics to survivors. Each class was taught/held by a therapist or registered nurse. Some of the scheduled parts of the week were: Group Orientation, Kintsugi, Group Therapy, Makeover/Photo-shoot, Entertainment (a local artist came to sing for us), Massages, Vision Boarding, Yoga, Tai Chi, and closing celebration.

I had a hard panic attack on Tuesday, our second day there. As I lay on the couch of the living room while everyone else ate breakfast with a blanket covering me, I started breathing hard and crying for no seeming reason. Emotions flooded me, I suppose it was from being overwhelmed by everything going on around me. There was a reason for the panic attack; I was overwhelmed and felt it. For the first time in years I felt something. I felt distress, I felt alone in a place where I should feel my safest. I quietly went to a therapy room, ugly cried, frequently went to throw away the tissues, and even was asked by a participant if she could give me a hug. I respectfully declined and went back to my dark and safe room to finish ugly crying. By lunch, I went to my case manager and told her I wanted to cancel or reschedule my photo-shoot (each participant gets a makeover and photo-shoot if they choose to do so – it’s to rebuild confidence and see yourself as beautiful, which many CSA survivors sometimes struggle with). I started ugly crying again and she thoughtfully asked if she could get my therapist. We met for a bit, I expressed some stuff, and went about the day after a peaceful walk with grounding techniques.

Group therapy. I thought, “Oh fuck that!” But it was wonderful. After my panic attack I managed to go to group therapy, which was off-site. It was at a location where our group members and therapists (2) met to talk about CSA. Everything up to and after this point was meant to be educational, this was meant to be real group therapy. It certainly was. Even at the retreat, we hadn’t yet talked about “it,” and never have I been around people who have spoken of the atrocities. I participated, I listened, and I heard stories that were so close to my own and how we’ve dealt similarly. It was an experience I hated at the beginning, but appreciated (and felt exhausted after).

All week, I went to classes of my choice. We were never pressured to go attend anything. Heck, the first day we were told that we could lie in our room all day if we wanted to. Personally, I went to group therapy, assertive communication, sex, forgiveness, shame, and restorative sleep. Each experience was better than the last, and all filled with research-based information I could take home with me to use in my daily life. I would have never thought that I would divulge things I never have before, made friendships I would also never expect, and most of all, learned how to heal. I am 1 in 4. My sisters are mine and we all deserve to heal.

As the retreat came to a close we met again with our therapist to assess the goals we made on Monday. Then we took some photos of our groups, exchanged social media and contact info, then taken back to the airport, said our goodbyes, and went home. We are given the opportunity of a 12-week online class held once a week for education and follow-up purposes.

Overall, there is nothing negative I can say about this opportunity for healing. Each staff-member showed every person empathy, education, support, and sincerity. Each retreat participant was equally supportive and everyone was so kind to one another. The experience was phenomenal and I would say the biggest (and most important) takeaway I received was connecting with others who have similar feelings and struggles as myself. There are very specific “symptoms” CSA survivors have that our usual friends don’t experience, so it’s nice to know I have people out there to talk to and understand.